Exciting Sex Positions from the Perfumed Garden

Exciting Sex Positions from the Perfumed Garden

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The stereotype of the Arab is a bearded dude with his head gift wrapped in a keffiyeh – the thing that looks like unstitched cloth for boxers.

The dude is a prude, we have learned to reckon from watching too much footage of women being beaten up in the Middle East.

But it wasn’t always like this. Sheik Umar ibn Muhammed al Nefzawi, a name almost as long as India’s penis average, was a 15th century physician who wrote The Perfumed Garden of Sensual Delight, an Islamic sex manual, and with colorfully descriptive names and acrobatics encouraged everyone to sheik that thing. However, like most education material from the 15th century, the manual does require a discerning eye; passages like

“Do not let the woman perform the act of coition mounted upon you, for fear…some drops of her…fluid might enter the canal of your verge and cause …urethritis…” disagree with science, fact and me; like all feminists, I like woman on top.

According to the Sheikh, Indians have “multiplied the different ways to enjoy women…” and “advanced in the knowledge and investigation of coitus” Go India! Below are a few exercises from the MensXP copy of The Perfumed Garden that we found safe, easy and fun. Feel free to incorporate these sermons into your regular missionary-addled lives.  

The Stopperage

This position was popularized in American Pie 2 as Squashing the Deckchairs.

Have your lover lie down on her back, with a cushion under her buttocks. Kneel, or lie down on top of her, and press her thighs against her chest.

Benefit: this pushes the cervix forward, giving you greater depth, and enabling a quicker orgasm. And though it’s another version of the missionary position, it takes your body weight off the woman.

Manner the Eleventh

What I call cobbler style, because the woman has to touch the sole of her right foot with that of the left foot, like a cobbler. Placing a cushion under your lover’s buttocks, have her lie down. After getting between her legs, get the sole of her feet to touch (right sole touches left sole), and begin the act.

Manner the Sixth

Middle Eastern doggy-style. Make her get down on her knees and elbows. Attack!

Benefit: This projects the vulva backwards; enabling you to simultaneously access most of the erogenous zones that otherwise may remain neglected during coupling. It also enables access to the fabled G-spot.

 

Bucket in the Well, or the Sultry Sidewinder

In marketing, it would be known as push-pull. Lying on your side, hug your partner, and penetrate. While remaining in a close embrace, give your member a little push into her, and then withdraw a bit. Your lover does the same, alternating your movement with hers. Place foot against foot, hand against hand. The trick here is to maintain momentum without losing track of who has to push.

Benefit: this creates a slow build-up to an intense orgasm for both you and your lover.

Mutual shock

A version of the sidewinder. After penetrating her, both of you should draw back, but not so much as to vacate her premises. Push together again, tightly, and continue.

Love’s Tailor

Only for the experienced bedroom marathoners. After partially penetrating your lover, maintain a rapid, inconsistent friction, and without warning plunge in completely, i.e. to the hilt. The name of this position comes from “the movement of the needle in the hands of a tailor”.

Benefits: Done a few times in the middle of the act, it can quickly bring about orgasm in the woman.

The Sixth Movement – tachik el heub, or the Boxing up of Love

This one is even better for those guys who like a bit of hair down there. After fully penetrating your lover, so close that your pubic hairs are mixed up with hers, move around, forcibly, without any sign/threat of evicting her premises at all. You are literally stuck inside her.

Benefit: It is said to “appease (a woman’s) lust most completely”, as “it procures them the pleasure of seizing the member with their womb”